I don't understand what the issue is when people talk about making English the official language.

It was one of the questions at the presidential debates of both parties. Closer to home, Fran Eaton at Illinois Review links approvingly to an article by Phyllis Schlafly and to a report that Carpentersville has passed a symbolic resolution to make English its official language, commenting that "it should also be the state and nation's policy, as well."

What the heck does that mean? Talk about making English the official language is pointless without discussing the details of what exactly it means to have an official language. Do supporters of English as the official language really want the United States Congress to pass a symbolic resolution? That would be pretty shallow.

I assume supporters have something more specific in mind, as must opponents, but neither side ever spells out the details. Do the supporters just want to make sure that English is considered necessary and sufficient for legal purposes? Do they object to non-English signs in government offices? At airports? In supermarkets? What about "E Pluribus Unum" on the back of our money? Is that just caving in to the Latin Lobby?

Is it just me? Am I the only one who doesn't know what "official language" means? Or is it just feel-good legislation for the anti-immigrant crowd.

In the bathroom at the hotel where we stayed last week:

Larger Imageconserve

conserve

As part of Hyatt's commitment to conserve the environment, we will change bed linens and towels as necessary or upon request.

If you wish to have your linens and towels replaced daily, please contact the hotel operator.

Yeah, I'm sure they're just very committed to the environment...

I heard some radio talk show host discussing the idea of sending a delegation of former Presidents of the United States to try to get Israel to settle down. I have no considered opinion on the matter, but I was rather peeved that the guy kept referring to "President Clinton." Bill Clinton is not the President anymore, and people technically shouldn't be using the title.

You may have heard of Senators and Governors being called by those titles long after they are out of office, and that's okay. They are allowed to keep the honor of the title for holding the office. But the rules are different for the President (and the Vice-President).

The general rule—established by Thomas Jefferson, I believe—is that official titles which are only held by one person at a time should not be used after the person leaves office. Note that it's the title, not the office, that has to be unique. There's only one Governor of Illinois, but there are many people with the title of Governor. There are also a lot of Senators, but there's only one President.

There's also only one Vice President, so he loses the title too when he leaves. I'm not sure about the Chief Justice of the Supreme court.

So what should Bill Clinton be called? (Please don't go there.) The answer is that he reverts to his previous title, which is the highest title he held before becoming President. Ex-President Bill Clinton is now Governor Clinton.

Jimmy Carter is also still properly referred to as Governor Carter.

As for George Bush Senior, well, he's now back to being Ambassador Bush.

It's not that important, and I don't know why this bothers me, but does.

Lenny Kravitz's album 5 has been out for a few years now. I remember especially enjoying its hit single "Fly Away" which had an energetic video to go with it. You can hear "Fly Away" on Lenny Kravitz's MySpace page (you'll have to click the song yourself, I can't figure out how to link to it).

Meanwhile, however, I'd like to discuss these lyrics:

Oh I want to get away.
I want to fly away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go and see the stars,
The milky way, or even Mars.
Where it could just be ours.

Is anybody else bothered by the cosmology implied by those lyrics?

For one thing, the Sun is a star. It's just really, really close. The next nearest star is called Alpha Centauri, and it's about 265,000 times further away. That isn't what bothers me about the song, though. After all, Lenny obviously means he wants to go and see the other stars. Let's talk about those.

All the stars we can see in the sky, including Alpha Centauri, are part of a large group of about 100 billion stars that are organized into a thin disk called a galaxy. It's a big disk: From one edge to the other is about 24 thousand times greater than the distance between the Earth and Alpha Centauri, or 6.3 billion times the distance from the Earth to the Sun. Our Sun, and therefore our planet, is also in this disk, somewhere around half way between the center and the rim.

If you go out at night someplace far enough from a big city so that the sky is truly black, you can see this disk. You'll have to wait for your eyes to adapt. We're embedded in the disk, so we see it edge-on. It appears as a faint uneven band of light stretching across the night sky.

If you travel the earth following that band, you'd see that it stretches around the entire sky of our planet. We're in the middle of a glowing ring of light. The ring is patchy and uneven, and appears to wander around between the stars. Our ancestors staring up at the sky during the late hours gave it a descriptive name: The Milky Way.

The stars are part of the Milky Way, and so are we. So Welcome to the Milky Way, Lenny. Make sure you try some of the food here, it's really good.

Actually, that's not what really bothers me either. I'm bothered by the reference to Mars, specifically to the implication that Mars is something special. It's not.

With apologies to all those who study Mars, it's a cold, nearly-airless jerkwater little planet that's practically right next door. Many nearby stars will have planets just like it, or far more interesting.

So when Lenny Kravitz sings

Let's go and see the stars,
The milky way, or even Mars.

it's a lot like someone earthbound in Chicago singing

Let's go and see Paris,
The World, or even Joliet.

Addendum: Actually, if you do the math, if the nearest star is as far as Paris, then Mars is the corner bar. On the other hand, if the Milky Way is the size of the Earth, then Mars is like a speck of dust on your skin.

On Eminem's latest album, Encore, there's a track called "Mosh" in which he lashes out against President Bush and the war in Iraq. At about 3:30 there's this bit of tripe:

Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an AK-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way

You see the problem don't you?

The notation AK-47 stands for Automatic Kalashnikov rifle 1947 model and refers to an assault rifle designed by Mikhail Kalashnikov and produced in Russia for the armed forces of the Soviet Union. It was the preferred weapon of our enemy (which "makes a disctinctive sound when fired"—name that movie). It's a simple and inexpensive weapon that is easy to manufacture and maintain, and therefore it's very popular with irregular forces and recreational shooters. It is not, however, what American soldiers use.

If you're going to send George Bush off to war, you'd equip him with an M-16.

This bother anyone else? Or is it just me?

Ogre repeats an old Marine joke which I'm just a little too smart to enjoy anymore:

A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up to the urinal beside him.

After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the door.

Just then the Sailor says, "Hey Marine! When I was in boot camp, they taught us to wash our hands when we finished!"

The Marine looks at the Sailor and says, "When I was in boot camp, they told me not to piss on my hands."

That's a good joke, but I wonder if I'm the only one who wants to yell at the Marine, "Good! But did you touch your dick?"

That's because somewhere along the way I've learned that you don't wash your hands because pee is dirty. In fact, urine is normally sterile. The reason you should wash your hands is because your crotch is dirty.

So the Marine in the joke is acting under a false assumption and is, in fact, behaving in an unsanitary manner.

Does this bother anybody else? Or is it just me? Everybody else just laughs at the joke, don't they? It's just me, isn't it? I hate when that happens.